Fall under foot

I haven't been very mobile lately due to fatigue and stomach pain. I'm craving long, brisk walks in the woods. I want to wander in the local parks under the colourful leaves of fall, but I remain very close to home. In my front yard, there are leaves from Maples and Alder. By looking closely and focusing on the world of shape and colour in each leaf, I try to expand what is nearby. But still, I yearn for large vistas, movement and open spaces.

Tedious leaves, splendid leaves. What are they? When I first noticed the detail in the leaves, I was thrilled. I could have taken scores of photos. But in the two weeks since taking these photos, I have been more aware of the beauty beyond me than the beauty at hand.

This post has been waiting while I try to figure out what these photos mean to me and whether or not I have a bad attitude: at least I am able to get out of my house and have a camera and should be ever thankful for that, right? Or if this is just a time where grief outweighs gratefulness? For people with disabilities, there is a lot of emphasis on being happy with what you have, celebrating what you can do; and a counter-statement that suggests that grieving is weak and unhelpful. While I understand the value in maximizing each moment and pursue instants of wonder with great gusto, I also feel the deep ache of longing for more, much more.

Complicated leaves. That's what they are.